Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
