i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize