he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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