it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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