That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize