my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize