if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
