God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
