Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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