i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
