True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
