My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
