I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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