I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
