My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
