Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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