you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
