i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
