she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
