I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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