Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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