turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
