I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
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