I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just forgot I was standing up.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
