so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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