They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
