He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize