How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My bed smells like the plague
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
