Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
