she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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