"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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