when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
