hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
