matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
