508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize