Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
