I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
