areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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