saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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