We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
