i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
