I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
