he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
