I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
