So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
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