i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize