Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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