My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
