As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
