I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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