So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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