As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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