The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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