omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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