I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
