'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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