i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
