There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
