My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
