my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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