in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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