my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
